Dog Sweaters and Other Winter Gear

Now the best description I can give you of what it is like to wear one of these argyle sweaters is this: You feel like someone has just put you head first into a giant tube sock and forced you to walk around in it.

The next thing you have to be prepared for is your human thinking it would be nice if you had warm snow boots for the cold weather. WARNING: Boots on four paws are NOT what we canines want for Christmas this year! 

The process of getting your boots on is almost worse then the process that got you stuffed into the dog sweater in the first place. If you’re small like I am be prepared to be picked up, sat on the table or kitchen counter while your human figures out how to stuff your paws into these odd oval shaped nylon circles with several Velcro straps that need to be tighten or loosened to fit your paw and leg. The process can take several minutes for each paw and with the wool tube sock on your body drool is starting to run out of your mouth like a river.

Nope, just one more thing before the potty trip. That snow can be hard on your eyes and the glare is blinding so guess what? Here’s your very own Doggles. Yes, I said Doggles, which are basically, goggles for us canines.

There is of course a problem. One you can’t walk in the boots and shake each paw as rapidly as you can trying desperately to get the dang things off. NOTE: They will not come off during the most ferocious of shaking spells, just try to walk normally and they will fall off of their own accord.

Outside in the snow you determine that the sweater goes too far down on your stomach for you to pee like a guy and after holding it until your eyes water you reluctantly squat and relieve your bladder like a girl. Then it’s on to the second part of your potty walk, trying to get comfortable enough to pooh while the sweater, now frozen stiff from your attempt to pee in it scratches your stomach, strangles your neck and itches your armpits. You might just as well pick a spot and get it over with, your human thinks you can spend hours out here in your toasty tube sock without getting cold or uncomfortable.  Bodily functions aside these sweaters are not good for plowing or playing in snow either. The wool collects snow pellets faster then your chest hair collects snowballs and because the darn thing has sleeves that hang to your ankles, some of these pellets entwine themselves between the sweater and your skin completely knotting your leg hair in the process. It is best to take care of your business and take your human back to the house as quickly as possible. Plowing, rolling and jumping in the snow will have to wait until this fascination with Aunt Mary’s argyle tube sweaters has worn off! The boots are lost in some distant snow bank and some human child has taken your Doggles for either themselves or their dolls!