loneliness

  this morning.when i log in QQ.i found cheng was online. i usually always hide myself on QQ.because i donot want to talk to them.yes.i know.they are my friends.but.sometimes.i just donot know what to say..for me.i always think:if i feel bad.then.i shouldnot to talk to friends.if i did.maybe.i will bring the bad feeling to friends.i know.as friends.they may care for me.but.for me.i fear to show my weakness to another.even they are friends!

 that makes me so lonely.yes.i always feel so lonely in life.that is from my character.when i were a kid.i felt lonely too.the first time.when i heard my teacher read a artcle about life.i felt so sad and lonely.at that time.i loved to sit beside of river.to see the water running to somewhere i donot know.i just wanted to cry.or ,just lay on hill.to stare these cloudy changing in sky.i just fely my life was so sentimental,so lonely.there is a poet in china,Ç°ÎÞ¹ÅÈË,ºóÎÞÀ´Õß,ÄîÌìµØÖ®ÓÆÓÆ,¶ÀâëÈ»¶øÌéÏÂ! that means ,when you see you are so alone in the earth.the world is so empty to you.what do you feel? just cry....

  many years ago.i wondered in chengdu.walked in the strange street.i felt the same loneliness.i almost thought that was the sadest in the life.but.after many years.when i thought back.all thing were so far from me.all these sadness were so strange with me in my heart. so.i told my self: what can you keep in heart ? all these sadest thing that make you cry ,what can you remember? so.why do i still sigh for today? if the life still have to continue.then.i wish i can smile to face all.no body can help you.right?

 yes.the helpless  feeling is so strong in heart.most time.as a blind fly ,i donot know what is my goal what is my way.when i close my eyes.the only view in my mind is: a lonely person in  desert...

  at these time.i loved to hear music.at night without moon and light.just in dark.to hear music.tears wet all my face....

 that is my wrong? a friend said to me: you almost sit there to wait...what are i waiting? i donot know.i just know one thing.if i follow that i want.then.maybe i will bring sadness to another..i fear that.if i had to hurt somebody in the world.i wish it is me.not another.if that will be my fate.i wish i can smile to face all.

  so.the first.i should to accept the fate.if cannot change.then.accept.i tell myself again and again.but.always in dream.all desire come again.i can cheat another with my smile.but how can i cheat my heart????

  donot know where it is from the sadness and loneliness.with the first feeling.it grews with all my life.following me.maybe.will go to tumb with me ?