HO HO HO - Jingle Nuts!

Hey, have you noticed how nutty the humans get this time of year? We all know that humans celebrate many holidays throughout the year but Christmas and New Years seem to be the ones that just push them totally batty!

This insanity happens slowly, starting a day or so before the Thanksgiving feast. Once that meal is safely tucked under their belts, all hell breaks out! 

It starts in the wee hours of the morning after Thanksgiving. The lights go on at three a.m. My humans are up, showered, and dressed within a half an hour. I’ve never seen such speed of readiness at any other time of the year for any other occasion. By four they have loaded the car with all the essentials of a rough day at the shopping mall.

1-     Large Thermos of Hot Coffee (used for staying awake and staying warm while waiting for the doors to open.

2-     Extra pair of comfortable walking shoes. Why don’t you just wear them to start with? DUH!

3-     Coupons, sale flyers, door buster announcements and the nearest and shortest routes to and from the various stores loaded in convenient carry along tote.

4-     Candy bar and gum in pocket for those times when you need either an energy boost (candy bar) or you’re worried the stressed out sales clerk might sniff your breath (chewing gum).

5-     Credit cards, check book with extra checks, and of course some emergency cash equally divided between male and female human.

6-     Lists, one for each of them. Mind you, they’ve been up until after midnight writing these lists, checking them twice and finding the best price in all those sale flyers. Notes on rain check policies, numbers of items in each store and the best time for storming the gates to obtain these items are included.

As near as I can tell the plan is to divide and conquer. The female going one route and the male going another. They have a meeting spot all planed as well as a meeting time and a back up strategy in case of shopping failure by one or both of them at some point.

Communications are maintained through the cell phones with walkie-talkie capability. They will be in constant contact during their hunt for bargains, rare and hard to find items and of course those “blockbuster” early bird items reserved for humans dumb enough to get out of bed at three in the morning.

They’re off and that leaves me at home, alone and in charge for at least eight hours. Time enough to rummage through the half open closet doors, under the bed and in other remote parts of the house where they may have hidden goodies for the cat or me.

They will return by dinnertime, weary, and dragging bag upon bag, box upon box of purchases with them. It will either have been a “good” day or not. They will either have “lucked out” or not, and they will either be “mostly done” or not. It will all depend on their ability to survive in the wilds of holiday shopping mania. This is what they practice ALL year for. It’s like going to the Nationals if you’re a show dog. You practice on all the small stuff so you can out perform the rest for the “big one”.

Now my fellow canines, you would think that this all day foray into the madness would have netted them enough exposure to screaming children, rude pushy adults and ill trained sales clerks to last for the remainder of the year. Oh, I fear not. They will take only a brief repute before they’re back out there, sale flyers in hand, coffee and chocolate at the ready.

I’m told that this madness affects nearly all humans at this time of year and that they actually look forward to it. Humans have this inner drive to compete on everything and apparently shopping for Christmas gifts ranks right up there at the top.

Now for my shopping list, I can finish it in twenty minutes. One stop shopping, that’s my style. For my canine friends it’s a bag of gourmet cookies and treats from the local doggie bakery. For my female human it’s a box of her favorite cookies from the grocery store and for the male of the house I might spring for a new six pack of disposable razors. The cat will get his annual set of buzzy balls or maybe a catnip toy and hey, I’m done. No malls, no sale flyers, no waiting in line or plan of attack. Clean, simple and over!

Holiday shopping human style  - NUTS!   Holiday shopping canine style – EASY!

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