To read part one click on SEVEN HORRIBLE, GRISTLY DEATHS Part 1 of 2 Parts "No your honor. He's the first. All the others...I just imagined doing things to them...in my head. People who are inconsiderate with their cell phones are my only real...oh, what's the word?"
"Pet peeve?” offered the bailiff.
"Yes, that's it-- my pet peeve. They really get on my nerves, but I would never actually say anything to anybody. I'm just not the type to do that. Instead, I keep quiet, use my imagination, and pretend to do all the bad things I'd really LIKE to do."
"It was like that with the man at the deli,” the woman continued, with a gesture to the plaintiff. "I was picturing myself hitting him with the salami, and before I realized it, I really was. All things considered, he was lucky."
"Lucky!” cried Mr. Bruno. "You call this LUCKY? You nearly killed me with that thing!"
"I meant lucky compared to some of the things I've imagined doing to other people. Like the time I visited the Grand Canyon. I was standing on an overlook at sunset. It was quiet and beautiful, until the woman standing next to me took a call and kept yammering away at the top of her lungs. I was going to say something, but I couldn't work up the nerve. Instead, I imagined throwing her phone over the edge and sending her after it-- then watching her dead body bounce from boulder to boulder."
"Then there was the guy at the symphony concert," she continued calmly. "The lady in the coffee shop, the fellow in the library, the kid on the bus and the people at the funeral home. All of them died horrible, agonizing, gristly deaths-- in my head, at least."
The judge leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, to think. From a legal standpoint, it was a clear-cut case. The mild-mannered Mrs. Henkel was clearly guilty of some kind of assault.
On a personal level, though, the judge had to admit that she had had the same vicious thoughts when confronted by thoughtless, self-absorbed cell phoners.
After a long while, the judge stirred.
"Mr. Bruno, regarding the charge of making terroristic threats, what exactly did Mrs. Henkel say to you that was threatening?"
"I never heard her say anything. I was out cold after the first swing of the salami."
"If you never heard the alleged threats, it is therefore impossible for you to have been threatened. Mister District Attorney, is cappacola salami generally considered a deadly weapon?"
"Well, your honor. It is a blunt instrument...sort of,” he replied weakly.
"I disagree. If there's no deadly weapon, there can be no assault with a deadly weapon.”
"Mrs. Henkel, I sympathize with you completely. However, since Mr. Bruno has obviously been harmed, I have no choice but to find you guilty of disturbing the peace, which is a misdemeanor. I sentence you to compensate Mr. Bruno for the loss of his phone and for the bowl of roasted red peppers. In addition, you will serve twenty-five hundred hours of community service. That ought to give you enough time to design and produce 'No Cell Phones' signs and to post them at every church, synagogue, library, park, elevator, restaurant, and scenic overlook in the city."
"Bailiff, call the next case."
---Written by geoffrey m. miller © 1999 Miller Creative Services. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Thank you for visiting the Beanery Online Literary Journal at www.ProBlogs.com/beanerywriters Visit us daily---add www.ProBlogs.com/beanerywriters to your favs list. |
