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Arranged Marriages In The Canine World

By BJChips(5,633) BJChips

Posted Sunday, November 04, 2007
View All Blog Posts submitted by BJChips

Well fellow bloggers it is time for me to start catching you all up on my life over the past few months. I hardly know where to start, but for the sake of consistency I'd best start at the beginning.

My life had been carefree, well with the exception of the cat and a few annoying yard animals such as squirrels and chipmunks... I spent my days thinking up new tortures for the cat and for my new sister that arrived, Candy.

You may remember that there was a short adjustment period with the arrival of my new sister into the household. She seemed to garner a lot more attention then I felt justified and that was the immediate source of trouble for ME..  but  if I had only known my troubles had only begun!

Fellow bloggers, and fellow canines as civilized as this world has become I am sad to report that we as canines still suffer from the blight of arranged marriages. Alas, that was to be my fate! I had just about settled into the reality of having a "sister" in the house when my humans announced that we were off for a weekend trip to meet my new wife! WIFE??? WIFE???

I had never agreed to anything such as marriage!! Not in my furthest back puppy memories do I recall the mention of a WIFE!! Yet there I was being loaded into the belly of an airplane for a trip to somewhere ... somewhere that I would "meet" my new WIFE!!

Now, my brain was churning with plans and ideas... It seemed simple enough to me ... if I didn't LIKE this creature surely my humans would abandon the idea of canine nuptials! So, somewhere between take off and landing my brain had convinced itself that a good snub of this... this... this female would result in my continued bachelorhood. Little did I know that my humans had already secured my fate!

The first time I laid eyes on this creature who was to be my bride and the mother of my pups I felt my legs tremble. Not with excitement but with sheer terror!!  This creature, this female was drop dead gorgeous!! Her long blondish red coat draped to the ground and she had that deep soulful look in her dark eyes. She carried her tail high in a curl that made her butt wiggle from side to side when she walked. HOLY DOGS OF WAR!! This was some classy female!!.

I had barely got those thoughts collected in my brain when she introduced herself. WHACK!! She hit me right side the head with that meticulously groomed paw of hers.

"Ouch!" I yelped, "What's you do that for?"

She snorted a royal snort "To get your attention, peasant!"

"Peasant?" I shouted back "I'll have you know that I am a Champion show dog of the most royal blood lines!!" I attempted a regal snort but it came out as a sneeze.

"Really??" she scoffed "Says who?The local pet store?"

"Pet store? I didn't come from no PET STORE!! My breeder has spend years developing my line! And a fine line it is too." I puffed my entire 15 pounds up  to look as big as I could.

"And the AKC happens to say I'm a champion cuz I won all those shows! HA!" so take that you hairy snob ball!!

"Really? I'm a AKC champion too.. and I never saw you at any of my shows!" she sat down with a ruffle of sweet scented fur that made my eyes water.

"That's because I was only in REAL dog shows, not ones for GIRLS!" I retorted.

This was not going to work out, I could tell. She was insufferable!! So, I did the most un-gentlemanly like thing I could think of.. I walked away, setting my tail into a high curl so my butt would wiggle just right.."Talk to the tail sweetheart, cuz the ears ain't listening" I yelled over my shoulder.

Well for all of that, it didn't help. "Oh I think they'll get along fine" I heard one of the humans remark as I made my exit.

"Get along fine?" I thought, Yeah, we'll get along fine right after I shove her under a bus!

Bah, and double Bah humbug! The deal was made and I was informed that one week later my "WIFE" would be arriving.  And, the humans announced that not only was she to be "my wife" but we were expected to produce a litter of pups as well!

"A LITTER OF PUPS?" hey human, don't you think that's pushing this thing a bit far? If you want to waste your money on this stuck up, sweet smelling, hairy girlfriend go ahead... I mean our house is big enough for me to hardly ever see her.... but PUPS???  Ah, human  in case you didn't know pups are going to require us to "like" each other... I mean REALLY like each other.... I mean get the biology books out and look it up... you don't get pups by rubbing noses my friend!!  And, I'm not about to... to... to.. well "LIKE" her let alone "REALLY LIKE HER" .. so you can forget about those pups... Thats it, my FINAL answer is NO.. NO WAY,.. NOT HAPPENING!! so there!

Well, fellow bloggers, it may have been my final answer, but it wasn't my  "FINAL" answer. A week later the "Princess" arrived. She calls herself "Princess Zion"  ( oh whoopty doodle on her) and this chick can give snobbery an WHOLE different meaning !

She is such a SNOT!! .. even my sister didn't like her and they had quite the paw smack in the backyard over territory. I was rooting and hooting for my sister to take her down and rough her up a bit and she did!! It was a joyous moment when the "Princess" covered in grass and leaves tucked that well set tail between those cute hind legs and slinked back to the house.

VICTORY!! Sis had won and that surely was enough warfare to convince my humans to send this 12 pound snob ball back to where she came from... wasn't it??

The answer put bluntly is NO, the Princess was humbled by her roll in the yard with my sister but she wasn't going anywhere. Nope, she was staying and she was sniffing around for a relationship too... she had her eyes and nose set on holy matrimony and the only bachelor in the house of her breed was ME!!

She expressed her deep affection for me in several ways. First, she really liked to shove me out of the "television watching chair" we have in the basement family room. A chair that has been mine now since I took over this house. Well, not anymore! "Ladies" should have the chair according to the Princess. And "Gentlemen" should let them and sit on the floor!.

Okay, so let any gentlemen in the house sit on the floor, that's my chair and I'm sitting in it! Well, okay I'll sit in it when she isn't wanting too.. Dang females!

A week or so later into our arranged relationship she further explained her "love and devotion" to me by walking up and grabbing me by the neck and shaking me like yesterdays dirty sock! Hey, human, are you going to let her get away with that?

Apparently they were and after several of these sneak shake attacks I had had enough! I mean a fellow can only take so much! So I confronted her! "Listen, Princess what ever your name is, I've about had enough of you! So the next time you grab me from behind and try to shake me I'm going take my 15 pounds and put them right on top of your 12 pounds and pull some of that sweet smelling hair out of your head!! GOT IT?"

Oh, fellow bloggers what a mistake in judgment that was! She batted her pretty eyes at me and gave me a kiss right on the nose! "Oh BJ that's exactly what I had in mind!"

GULP!!  "what she had in mind??" Oh no!! I'm doomed... I am soooooooo doomed!!  Yes, it is true that was the beginning of the end of my bachelorhood... and without going into any personal details the Princess and I were united in marriage two weeks later...

So now, here I am a married man with a wife and a sister and a cat and squirrels and chipmunks in the back yard... My life as I knew it is over... I am ..... henpecked!!.. I am defeated... I am MARRIED!!!!

More on this in my next blog...
Barks and Butt sniffs to all

This Blog Post has been read 208 times.
Posted to ProBlogs.com on Sunday, November 04, 2007
View other posts by BJChips

Comments on this blog post:

Tank from Cape Town: (210 days 20 hours ago.)
Yo Bru, you had me worried there, so i asked my momma and she told me that i was lucky - no arranged marriage for me. Whew...I was starting to think i would have to post myself to Rage soon...Tank

Rage from NYS: (204 days 12 hours ago.)
Tank, ya can come visit anytime, BJ, ya wanna come over too, we can have us a GUYS night!!!!

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