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By CarolynCHolland(9,534) CarolynCHolland

Posted Wednesday, December 19, 2007
View All Blog Posts submitted by CarolynCHolland

---written by Carolyn C. Holland

      I was really worried when my creator, Carolyn, almost experienced THE BIG ONE in 2005. Her ticker almost gave out due to a major cardiac artery blockage. This, and her weight was not even of obesity proportions! Now take Santa Claus, who brags a...
      I was really worried when my creator, Carolyn, almost experienced THE BIG ONE in 2005. Her ticker almost gave out due to a major cardiac artery blockage. This, and her weight was not even of obesity proportions!

     Now take Santa Claus, who brags a belly that bounces like a bowlful of jello. What risk does he have of keeling over by a BIG ONE? His is immortalized and famous due to his great girth. Some role model he is for youth who are stuck on being skinny yet are increasingly obese!
I read that his weight is actually twice the size of two healthy men---he weighs in at 350 pounds! Try stacking 175 wooden blocks the size of one-pound margarine containers and you’ll get the drift of his overweightedness!

     Now my creator was warned to remove all the goodies from her diet. Santa should take that advice---imagine the number of cookies and milk he ingests just on the most prolific eating day of his year! Why, the US Department of Agriculture calculated that two two-inch diameter chocolate chip cookies averages one hundred calories, and a cup of milk (2%) contains 120 calories.

     Imagine multiplying 220 calories times 43 million, the number of households he delivers toys to in the United States. About nine and a half BILLION calories in one night!
Granted, he expends calories carrying heavy sacks of toys. If he chintzily gives one gift to each child, and the average weight of the top fifteen “hottest" toys at Toys “R" Us this year is 10.25 pounds, his gift bag will weigh almost four million tons*. Well, he doesn’t carry all these toys down each chimney, but the exercise required to descend down through chimneys with the necessary sack of toys must add up to a great number.

     Ahh, I guess Santa doesn’t really like children after all, or he would not allow his girth to become so rotund. Yes, he is way past the “pleasantly plump" stage. He could be in the life threatening stage, After all, isn’t waist circumference provide an easy, accurate measure of a person’s risk of high blood pressure, cholesterol and diabetes, and ultimately a person’s demise? It’s been shown that a waist measuring over forty inches means serious risk. Doesn’t Santa care about living?
And according to research in the Archives of Ophthalmology overweight men like Santa have a 75% greater risk of developing cloudy vision due to cataracts. Santa is risking death and blindness, both of which will stop his annual trek to deliver toys to children.

     It gets even worse. Santa, who is inactive all year (yes, his elves and Mrs. Claus work all year for him) takes this one big exercise session annually. Whew, it could really do his heart in!

     Perhaps there are other reasons for Santa’s weighty build. One suggestion is thyroid problems. Perhaps he’s hiding a goiter under his beard?

     Maybe he gave up a bad habit, pipe smoking, and discovered the sacrifice was accompanied with a weight gain.
Ugh, his pipe---another smoking gun. Could Santa’s universally liked image combined with his smoking draw children to conclude pipe smoking is cool? Perhaps Al Gore could condemn Santa for being in the pockets of the tobacco industry.** And  consider how the smoke adds to the global warming---perhaps even increasing the speed that the North Pole ice floes melt! (Santa’s not alone---what about the snowman image with a pipe in his mouth?)

     Perhaps Santa needs to become politically correct. That’s right, I said POLITICALLY correct. In the new millennium he needs to be muscular and trim in physique, demonstrating he can give up his cookie-eating GLUTTONY to control his own weight. Then perhaps he can be a modern role model for the kids. After all, he expects the children he visits to be good. Why cannot he too be GOOD?

     I suppose it’s too late this year (2006) to warn the children on his list to leave Santa a veggie tray accented with soy milk. But if they really love Santa they will consider this a favor for him in 2007.
     Where is Santa? It’s Christmas eve night and he is nowhere to be seen? I’ll bet he won’t even leave me one gift from the list I mailed him! Even Santa discriminates against my ilk, the cockroach! And he’ll probably leave a comment that this column is sour grapes because I didn’t get what I wanted for Christmas! Bah, humhuman!
Doodleoot for now. Cochran
*The Science of Santa, Greensburg Tribune-Review, Dec. 24, 2006
**National Center for Policy Analysis Idea House, Opinion Editorial, Is Santa Politically Incorrect" Pete du Pont, Dec. 18, 1997.

This Blog Post has been read 119 times.
Posted to ProBlogs.com on Wednesday, December 19, 2007
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