Brittany Spears Takes Dump; Ends 4 Hour Constipation

"I tried and tried and tried; but I just couldn't get it out," said Mrs. Spears through tear-filled eyes as the cameramen swarmed around her, nearly suffocating her at one point.

We've been following this story live on national TV for the past three hours, and we're glad to see it come to a happy end. Reports came in earlier this morning that Mrs. Spears had a cheese omelet for breakfast, and this story just escalated from there.

Chelle B., the leading expert on Mrs. Spear's predicament, described the last few agonizing moments of her situation as, "Shitty."

"It was quite shitty indeed," said Brittany's father in response to this news, "Imagine giving birth to an explosion of mud and water." Indeed, Tubgirl would be horrified.

Kirsti Anderson, a teenage girl who was raped while this was going on, had this to say about the situation: "I'm so disappointed in myself for not being there for Brittany."

Chris Crocker, Mrs. Spears' self-proclaimed #1 fan, broke into tears when he was informed of her successful defecation.

"I'm so happy for her. She has just been holding it in for so long. You and I couldn't possibly understand the stress and torment she was under for those four long hours on the toilet of despair!"

When asked how she feels about her situation, Mrs. Spears replied, "The pain in my abdomen was unbearable, but I pushed and pushed until I couldn't push any more. I'd like to thank America for helping me through this troubling times; your adoration is the only thing that keeps me alive."

Psychology experts believe Brittany's constipation may be related to the suicide of her ex-boyfriend.