Back to more serious stuff

Okay, if you are a Them, get lost, go do your nails, or go shopping or gather a gaggle of your friends together and powder yer noses, this is a first sexes post, got it?

Cheese its, Myrtle, and Susan Saranwrap, what I want you guys to let me know is am I the only one whose Mill Stone has been told by God long before It came to this planet about everything that is not good for me, everything I shouldn't eat or drink, what I should and shouldn't wear, how my hair should be cut and who I can and can't associate with?  Am I the only one, huh, am I?

When first I became smitten with my chosen one of Them and asked her to allow me to give her shelter, money, food, transportation, pay for her recreation and pleasures, surrender the bathroom cabinet and my closets to her and whatever else It's little demented mind would demand for the rest of our natural lives I was willing to do so giving a 100% effort on my part if It would only become my partner in marriage.

It accepted, of course, after carefully examining the 12 carrot rock I had set in a 48 carrot gold ring at Gordo's Pawn and other Fine Jewlery shop.  Luckly I made the last payment and picked up the ring before the police raid.

Anyway, after examining the ring with an eyepiece borrowed from her mother she accepted on the condition I now step aside for the next few months while she and her mother bankrupted her father with the planning of the wedding of all weddings.  You know, the kind where the groom, that's us guys, shows up in a rented simulated polyester Tuxedo while his three hundred pound Them marches down the isle in a $10,000 gorilla dress she will only wear once in her life because she will never ever be able to squeeze into it again during her life time on this planet.

I'll never forget my Pretty's Wedding, Cheese its, Pauline, and Josephine, I wouldn't have been there at all if there hadn't been a cancellation by her 7th cousin on her mother's side in a family with only two surnames and teeth between the lot of them at the last minute.  Anyway, it was a tear filled minute for me when the gurards marched her father from the alter to debtor's prison.  I'll never forget his last words: "Run, son, run."

Anyway after the nuptials and before we left the alter It whipped from It's clevage a 50 page or so document It demanded I sign nullifying my 100 percent commitment to our joining.  "There will be none of the male chauvinistic crap in My family, it's 50/50 or nothing, sign here, here, here, initial here and here, give me my house and car keys and my check book and remember to take your shoes off whenever you come in my house.  Now, here is your copy of your list of chores, memorize it there will be consequences if don't do them.

It didn't tell me at the time but the list was subject to change and it was when after an exhausting day of doing nothing when I came home from work at the brickyard It handed me an adendum to my list which included 90 percent of her chores. 

Well, to make a long story short within three months of our joining she had run off all of my friends and replaced them with her circle of Them friends.  She changed my hair style, through out all of my "old" clothes and bought me new ones to her liking, had me eating vegetables only, spraying the air with a lilac spray whenever I took a constitutional and kept a book on when we could couple all depending upon my behaviour.  I think the next time will be sometime the week between Christmas and New Years of 2012 if I don't tick her off again.  Did I say couple?  Cheese its, Martha and Bessie, a guy doesn't couple with a knot hole in a Oak Plank.  My Them doesn't have one moveable bone in her whole body except her eyelids and they clink whenever she blinks which is about twice a week I think.  Any way it was after she had made all her Ken Doll adjustments to my life style that she looked me in the eye and with a straight face said "You're not the man I married," and went off bawling to the bedroom.

Anyway let me get back to my serious question about "Am I the only one?"

Last week I took my Pretty shopping and after I loaded the last of her packages in our Kenmore's trailer I asked It "How would you like to catch a bite to eat."  My One and Only accepted and so I asked It where would you like to eat. Darling."

To which Fang replied [Fang is my loveable nickname for my pretty] "Why the #$@#$%#$# do I have to make all the decisions? You make one for once in your life."

OkaY, I answered, "Gronk's Swill and Grill it is."

"Not on your life," It grunted.

"Fine, I answered, Giseppie's then for Italian."

"You take me there and you'll regret it."

"Chinese then, my dear."

"No!"

"Seafood it is."

"Be careful you are talking 2020 now.  For @#$#@$## can't you make a decision?  WELL I'LL MAKE ONE, TAKE ME HOME, NOW!"

Truthfully now, guys, tell me, am I the only guy on this planet who has one of These?  Tell me, am I, huh, am I?