From A Female Point of View

Dear Reader,

As you know I have many Lhasa friends from all around the world. One of the advatages of being a computer savey puppy dog is you have access to this wonderful thing call e-mail. (Note: I'm not quite sure where the e-mail man comes from or goes to but he delivers mail to my box on a regular basis.

I recently received this letter from a friend of mine. She presents an interesting point of view that I as a single young man have never considered. This requires more research.

Dear BJ,

As I sit at my laptop in the warm Australian sunshine, which is not too hot at the moment, I think of you in America where the snow will be coming shortly and my mind wanders back to my previous incarnations in Tibet…  So much snow I could not bear it any longer and requested Buddha for a birth in a warm land.  Oh well, my prayers were answered, I suppose, but I did prefer the wealthy homes and the monasteries.  One must not complain, however and my humans will do just about anything I want… Just about!

I notice that you’ve been training your humans, which, although a good idea, I have found often doesn’t work for me if I use “traditional methods”. 

You must realise that being a seven year old black and regal Lhasa Apso female has its perks and one of them is the ‘phantom pregnancy’.  Simply marvellous, darling!  I have found this to be such an asset when my humans are getting out of line and trying to train me. 

It’s quite simple really, you just work on their guilt and humans are so good at feeling guilty.  I say this with a quiet chuckle as I know you will understand that guilt is NOT something that dogs will lower themselves to feel.  However, when guilt is feigned, it is the perfect tool for manipulation!  Now, who doesn’t feel sorry for a sick or pregnant dog?  I ask this, knowing that you know that only an animal does not take pity on the sick or ‘expecting’ and we both know there are humans lower than an amoeba who will not take pity… but I digress.

To you, BJ, a phantom pregnancy may not mean very much as you are a mere male and I respect that and understand that you cannot understand.  It is (the phantom pregnancy), the greatest weapon available to an adored female dog however, as the humans go a little insane when they think you are pregnant.  They give you all sorts of food to eat and of course only the best of every variety they can think of and if you turn your nose up at one dish, you are promptly presented with another!   I have a wonderful gourmet menu going whereby I spread myself around a little from crayfish to pate, to raw liver to smoked salmon and so on.  It breaks the monotony of the “health food” that I have not been able to train them out of giving me and it does do my figure the world of good. 

It takes about 9 weeks for my humans to be absolutely sure that I am not pregnant and the best part of it all is that they cannot scold me or deride me in any way when they find out that I am not!  I was not responsible and I got heaps of cuddly, fluffy toys to ‘mother’ as well!  I can’t stand the stupid looking things, for goodness sake, but it made them believe I wanted a puppy so badly and that of course, is an absolute “must” in the closet of the “phantom”.

So I work on this twice a year and I go “on heat” twice year as well and get the same royal treatment as I keep my tail down a lot, look sad and pretend I am desperate to mate with anything that is male, which of course is not the truth, but then dogs don’t say a word, humans PRESUME us and that’s the winning ticket!

This works out to over half a year and for the rest of the year I am as sweet as can be, so my dear, dear humans KNOW (I don’t have to tell them), that I am just the perfect dog!

Your friend, Rinchen

Comment by BJChips^(5,371)

Comment by BJChips^(5,371)