Rollercoaster Ride

It ends with Havoc

It's been hell long waiting to come down from the ride which had enough fear.Never knew the effects of fear could leave scars and memories which haunts terribly.And what more left with confusion that causes migrains.Well  the ride had me dealing with my duo personality,sense of intuition,relationships, overgrown-self,responsibilities and things I've delt with letting myself 'work' till I  finally dropped.Emotions plays big factor which weakens my physical never knew this was such a big alarm from god.

January was a great begining,everything it's like what I had expected but never knew the ride was near and it made my turning point which turned on February onwards.Having the duo personality which I don't know about it and didn't even care cause just being bothered by the dilemma of making my early decision for my further education.It started after the edu-fair my parents just encourage me to choose a variety of options that I could have based on my performance towards achieving my status in school life.My mom and relatives abroad all hoping that I could shine abroad the US where I could feel they always put more hope in me than other nieces and nephews and they really push me for certain things from attitude,vocal,written work and leadership.My dad hope that SING although both of them said the choice is mind.Never thought it gives me hard time juggling between my strong character to decide whihc studious time comes 1st before relationship but yet I was affected by my duo personality.

Studies has played in to having tough time coping with it when I got to juggle between responsibilities and politics thank god is not as dirty as the working life and the world parliments as the Constant Garderner film.I thought the gap changes of syllabus from f3 to f4 is normal as I didn't expect it was huge.At least still could cope with adam's support and help on his formulaes but it still didn't gives me the wholesome of it.

Yeah going to bang on again on my sky high standards in managing things as expected and expectaions which my mom blames that is her fault for training me to be matured beyond my age,be the 5% odd one's out of the common society,it's great but I knew I had hard times bringing myself down to my own age of view not to meant perfect but good for my age to adapt with my friends.Great pleasure cheering up friends,helping unknowns and more but soon or later I still felt I really miss the cheer of the elders in college and uni where the thoughts of maturity is as mine and it's really good to have them around although I've tried mixing with my cousin sis college friends but it's not my type of feather.Back to overgrown-self mentally?yeah really good and pretty bad.   

Pressure from myself it's enough luckily not from parents but yet  indirect one's from school authourities such teachers and so on.Pressure towards success yes it's good but not till this!well could blame myself for that but the teachers are real hypocrites too...Hack my queens that I head for although it's just 3 more test away and violin a wish to head for a diploma which I know I could do it with sheer determination but I something just went wrong I don't have the effort which I just know my energy is draining slowly without me realising.

Really glad that LB had gives me the courage to go on.The education dilemma was just a slight effect being affected but yet only now I come to realise that throughout the time things are just coming in yup don't deny it might be stress,on the way loss my confidence with having the energy amd booster with my friends it makes me thinks I've lost them and it really draws me to negativity.I felt that I've not the one usually stands out and up by myself always relying on LB where I felt I could have the courage again but each  negavity which comes i rely on him and had a feeling which it tiring for him to hold on with his positive energy instead I'm just drawing another person down.Hate the ride!     

Well on the way sensitivity really took into me and everything counts even a single damn word.Lots of tiny miny stuff had affected me where fustration,anger,solemn,hollowness came in and things just go out of my hand but yet I didn't know why I'm still as stubborn to open my damn bloody mouth to speak to some one I really trust when JY,DT and KS called me too even my parents.They cared so much but not myself sometings just wrong about me.Although I know JY and family really concern for me that time my mind was just the person I really trust was really a friend that could hear was LB but things just went not as expected cause ya back to the changes in me I don't blame him for that cause I finally undestand it's just maybe a lack of communication so I just remain as my secrective self.Thank god that I could slowly tell it out to JC although nothing wok out much yet cause it's back to myself my choice my decision.Got scolding from from DT for my stupid actions,well thank god it wakes me or else I don't belong here anymore.

Lot's I wish during the ride but all turns into failure.Cause I still having to cope with my way sky high standards which made me work till dropped like a robot and ended up had no feelings in what I do just a fake smiles and laughter to kept people alway from worrying about me.Doing things which my heart cries and yells yet my mouth is sealed.After a faint then an anxiety which causes me to be breathless,that had lead to being warded in hospital. That time my parents asked to tell them who could I try voicing out the cires and yells in me but  I ended it with a sillent treatment although I wanted to say LB that I could try but I just can't do it with all this situation between us. I know some knew that I wasn't lately cause I was really drained.Finally it's all over but there's still memories and guilt with you which really haunt me and it's tough to erase as it's already part of me.Don't deny why I couldn't tell you cause it's just myself who doesn't like people worrying and suffering for me.So at times it's best to leave it this way.