Momento mori

Memories which haunts

The pass of everything has faded and each had left behind with memories.It's nice having such memories when I reflect or pen  down my thoughts which having it recalled.Never thought sweet memories turns into a disaster where it gets into the dreams of mine and it haunts me.The memories which really haunted me was after the day I walk off my own way as the way LB did and didn't knew I shattered badly cause I filled him in my hollowness throughout the time I needed him so much.Apart from the sweet memories the reminder of death and human failure had haunted me too which is going on and on.When can it stop,I don't want to be in this hell situation.

Snoozing off is damn tough everynight,trying to ignore thoughts that flow through my mind by getting myself to focus on deep breathing to medititation.Gosh hardly could do it everynight smoothly till I snooze off,what more lost focus and get distracted can't keep my mind onto 1 thing and just go pop wondering as it is.As the times I could sleep is always between mid-night and morning veil.That's fine as I've learn to cope on how to sleep with a clear and peaceful mind.When the time I couldn't sleep,being disturbed by dreams and hardly could even have a real sleep through the night I felt damn guilty lying and lying to my mom when she asked "Have you had a good night sleep?" I said ya.I'm just lying not telling the truth again couldn't have the chick to say that I'm actually in deep shit because I know it's being weeks taken care of me hoping I get better physically and mentally.Just never want to make her wish shattered once again.What's gone wrong with me!!Sleep with peace is what I wanted after having a hard time to sleep especially this year onwards.Sometimes I felt like sleep and rest till peace than sleep with peace.

The reminder of death which the only dream I had years ago as never had dreams cause I usually could sleep well which left a traumatic stituation in me comes alive whereby I tried ignoring the fear in the situation being kidnapped and thrown from a sky scrapper till I smell the air of death on the way down to death.The disgusting scenes with as the 1st persons view had left me a trauma.The dreams has become often which it spoils my day.Never knew whether have a soul have travelled and left the being for moments an had encounter such situation.

Sweet memories that added on to my momento mori and haunt me more and it makes my mood goes bazaar,uncontrolled at times and what more it disturb my decisions I've made.Being with him,things was sweet at first but the worse could come out great too by risking chances to mend obstacles up.Yet now when the day I made my decision that It's not the time for a relationship after the split and get on trying to move on those sweet time together turns into disaster how should I gain him back,the times when I can,what must I do and learnt that love is without boundaries where care is given without asking any in return.And when all this comes to haunt me it really turns my day down it's totally solemn and affected me emotionally once again.I wanted to be myself again which I felt I'm ready to move on without him but this memories and momento mori had strike me.I still kept on  trying hard to just leave those memories and let it fade but I couldn't at times it's already being part of me cause of the non-ordinary certain things which I couldn't find in most friends I hoping their that.How could I start a new beggining without him if it keeps haunting me???The fresh air is just refreshing and it lying ahead of me waiting for me to be there.How could I not take the chance??As to battle for life  at times it's really worth it but just felt to just rest in peace although there's apart of me shouting at me that's not you!!Torn between 2.