my marriage

    at the workstation.i met the guy who is my husband right now.he is handsome too.but.he isnot from university.in fact.he just gratuated from midschool.because his father died of work when he was 14 years old.so for that.he had to work for family.but.he was a active guy.so optimistic with life.i liked him.in fact.nobody didnot like him.he always was so glad to help every one.i didnot know if it was love or like.well.i would like to believe i love him.
   at that time.there was another girl loved him.that was a nice girl.soft and kind..one night.he showed me a letter that the girl sent to him.in the letter.the girl told him:she loved him so much.she cannot life again without him.ha.ha.i laughed to him: well.ok.if she couldnot life without you.then.you should marry her.but he didnot say a word.just hug me.i were so sorry for the girl.after many years we married .i still dreamed her.in the dream.she still was so beautiful.i know.i hurt her..but.what can i do? i promised.if i can.i would like to be her best friend.to care for her all my life.but..from that.i never met her again.i donot know how about her life.just heard.she married another guy.i wish she can be happy all her life!
    after one year.we have a lovely boy.it was so hard years ,i mean.to raise a kid in china.so hard.but.he grew up.now.go into midschool.i am so gald when i think of him.i love him with all my life.i promised that i never do any thing to hurt him.i thought i should enjoyed my life.yes.i did.through that husband donot often stay at home.for his work.but i know.he loves the family.i should satisfy with all.but.a thing makes i change.
    about 2000 year.i was checked out that i were ill,i needed a surgery.when i stayed at hospital .my husband were there to take care of me.but.i found.he was so angry with me.never patient to me ,it seems that it was my wrong.he complained to me again and again.when i asked him something.he always shouted at me.i felt so disappointed with him.maybe.he loved me.but just take me as a nice toy.should enjoy him.once i couldnot.he was so angry.i just wanted a guy who we can walk together in all our life,a guy who can help each other when we are in difficulty.but..he is? from that.i doubted ..
   after the surgery .i told him: i would never ask him to do something for me .even i will die.i still will try my best to help myself.never need him to help me.he said sorry to me.but.for me.it seems  a broken vase.never can be nice again.i still will life with him.just for my kid.but never love again.
i were so pain for that.some night.when i waked up from dream.i took a knife on my wrist.i thought.didnot know what feeling will be if i cut my wrist? but.have to say.die is too hard to me.i cannot.i want.but i cannot.i have a kid.i cannot hurt him.and it is my choice to marry him.how can i complain the fate? maybe.that is my fate?