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Farts - We All Do Them

By BJChips(5,633) BJChips

Dear Diary

I just don’t understand why humans feel the need to blame their stinky’s on someone else. Moreover, as you know fellow canines if you’re anywhere around when that stinky happens the first place they look to put the blame is on you.  

What I refer to here as a stinky most humans call a fart. As near as I can determine from my limited research is that everyone farts, that’s right EVERYONE FARTS!  If you eat, you fart, if you don’t eat, you fart. Young, old, fat, skinny, human or canine it does not matter  if you have a butt hole eventually it is going to happen.

My observation has been that the male of the species is more apt to make a stinky then the female. Female humans are VERY discrete about “passing gas” as it is said in polite circles of human society. I don’t care what you call it, stinky, fart, cutting the cheese, passing gas, every body has committed this act at sometime in their lifetime. 

This past weekend has been particularly fart filled in our house, probably the result of the night out at the local Mexican restaurant where my male human consumed copious amounts of re-fried beans, spicy chicken and other human fare that would contribute to the onslaught of farting that besieged the bedroom both Saturday and Sunday evenings.

Farts that are released while the humans are in their beds between their sheets are some of the most captivating and intense excretions every smelled. To most of us canines, the human fart is a fascinating smell. It’s on the same level of a long buried pungent bone or a pan of bacon frying. I myself enjoy sticking my nose as close as possible to the offending butt and getting a good long sniff.  

Humans farting in bed refer to such releases of gas as “cover fluffers”. I suspect that phrase comes from the fact that the odor is contained underneath the bed covers until one or the other of the bed occupants shifts the covers releasing the gas and of course the smell into the room.

I was alone with my male human when the first siege began. My keen nose sensed the first one as it escaped with only the softest of “Fuuuuuuuuuurrffffffftt”. First one, then another could be heard escaping “Fuuuuurffffffftttt. Fuuuuuuuuuurrffffffffft.” and so on. Intrigued by the aroma I moved closer to the source, the bottom of my male human. It was at that precise moment the female human walked into the room and flipped back the bed covers.  

The resulting escape of stored gas filled the room with such an evil, vile scent that it forced a snort and a sneeze from my nose immediately. It must have been that sound combined with the water collecting in the corners of my eyes that caused the human to accuse me of it. “BJ! YOU REEK!” she announced.

Me? I looked shocked. It wasn’t I! Honest, I didn’t do it! I pleaded with my eyes. It was no use; the human male only laughed and softly let another one of the vile smelling gas bombs go. “Fffuuuuuuurrrrrt”  

My eyes watered even more as my nose recoiled from the odor. I backed up; I shook my head trying to free myself from association with the smell. “Ffffffffffuuuuuuuurrrt” it came again and I leapt off the bed onto the floor and rolled back and forth on the rug sneezing and snorting from the smell.

Still the male human took no responsibility for the horrible smell that now filled the bedroom and had climbed up so far my nasal passages that I could taste it. Meanwhile the female human had opened the bedroom door and escorted me out of the room. Ahhhhhhh fresh air. I dropped onto the hallway floor and sucked in oxygen as though my life depended on it.   

Downstairs on the couch I finally settled in for good nights sleep when I heard foot falls on the stairs. My male human, the loaf that caused my eviction from the human bed appeared with blanket and pillow. Seems the female had found out it was his ill winded behind that was producing that stench and had evicted him as well.

Well dear diary I wasn’t about to take any pity on him what so ever. Therefore, after a proper rebuff I marched my paws back upstairs, found the bedroom door open and his spot on the human bed unoccupied. With just the right amount of his fart stink clinging to the sheets I made myself comfortable and enjoyed one of the best nights sleep in my life.  

Farts, we all do them and sometimes it just doesn’t pay to pretend they are not ours!


This Blog Post has been read 127 times.
Posted to ProBlogs.com on Monday, January 01, 2007
View other posts by BJChips

Comments on this blog post:

Comment by BJChips(5,633) BJChips
Oh BJ how can you cope with them stinky "men" farts.... They are the worst of the worst, Our human only farts abit and they arn't too stinky unless she's had that dirty beer stuff. At least you got a good spot on the bed, so the stink was worth it in the end!!! Sniffs & butt shakes Dolly N Chloe

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