tearfulfish blog

a friend from france

   i decided that i never know more people in china.just because i donot want to meet somebody in life! maybe.i just want to do something to escape the true life.so i donot want to make more troulbe in my true life.i just want a simple life.a simple love...just that!

  i admit.i am so brave.i always escape.but.what way i can do to avoid i get hurt or i hurt another? i fear getting hurt.i fear to hurt another too.i just want to live in my world .and.have to say.much thing in life that i have no way to go! even.some mood.i cannot show too!

   so i went some foreigne website.ICQ or Yahoo...at first.i met a guy from france. he always works at night.so when i come into office.he always is on line.every day.we can talk some while.from his words.i found he is so sensitive and kind man...i almost think i liked him! everyday.we talked our life.one day.a friend invited us to go hill.i had no chance to talk to him on net.i felt so bad.so i go back early.just for talking to him on net! his words makes me better when i feel bad with life.

   one day.he sent a song to me.a french song.i donot know what he sing.but. just heard it.i feel that is so  dolorous song.i donot know why.always like these dolorous songs and music.sometimes.when i hear these music.i tear....seems.there is a hand to touch my heart.maybe.in my character.there are some tragical factor? when i were kid.i liked to dream tragical thing.love tragical story...i donot know it is my character create my life.or my life form my character?

we keep contaction for long time.then.he went to another country for work.he said he will start his career.he is so busy for his new career.he told me he will come to china to meet me.but i donot want to make any dream to him.if i cannot give him anything.then.i should leave his world.right?

  he is a good man.i wish he can find his happiness!

my dream

   after the first meeting.the guy called me again and again.asked to meet again.i refused.but one day.he drived to our company.so i had to meet him.but i felt so bad.he said: "why do you feel so nervous? i wonot hurt you".i just smile.donot know why.i donot want to speak any word.that isnnot my dream.i feel so lonely!

  i del him from my qq.well.it is ok.that gives me a lesson that i shouldnot know anybody in sichuan.or in china.yes.i donot want to make affair on net at all.i just need to do something to forget another one.maybe.if i can meet someone......,aha.i cannot imagine. i read a article.it said: in the world.there is always somebody who is the best to you! but it is hard to find him or her. yes.it is true.i believe there is someone is the best to me too.but where is him? how can i meet him?

   ha.ha.so silly.even i can meet him.then.what can i do? i am married! i wanted.but i cannot divorce!

  sometimes.i say to my self: if i can meet him in my life.even just a moment.even just a second.i still will be happy.just let me know i amnot so lonely.at less,in the world.there is someone who are same as me.sing the same song.dream the same dream.

  so silly dream.but it is true.i life for love.that is my all.

a guy from net

   once.i went to a website which is for making friends on net. there are much people from everywhere in china.i left my information there.then.forget it.one morning.when i go into office.i get a message from qq. a guy contact me.and said.he was in the same city with me. want to make a friend.

   we talked some time.in fact.i donot know where is my heart when i talk on net.seems.all people are so far away from my heart.no one can touch my heart.i am so lonely.with him.i have the same feeling.but.seems.he is very interested to me.after some days.he asked to meet me.

   usually.i am hard to refuse another.i know that is a bad character.but.i always hard to change.when somebody ask me something.i always hard to tell them i donot want to do . i am afraid to see their disappointed face.but.now.can i meet him?

  i told him: it isnot good to meet..but he said: just to meet a friend.ok?

  ok.i agree.that evening.i were playing pingpong.he called me: his car was wait on our street. so i went to street.he stood there.looks high and handsome. i felt so shame making.donot know why.i am thirty something.but i always feel so shy to meet stranger.yes.he is stranger to me.in my heart.no friend. 

  he drived to hill where his company is there.then.we went to river.he stared at me.told me: so good feeling to see you. i know that.most man met me .always feel so.kind.soft and elegant .i just smiled.nothing to see.anyways.just stranger.my heart still is so far..

  i donot want to keep close to him.so.go back early.after i left.he asked me: can i invite you go out again.i refused:no.it isnot good.i do not want to meet him again.i donot like him at all.when he show how rich he is.i feel so bad.i hate these flirtatious man.does he think .he can play any woman just becasue of he has some money? i amnot rich .but i donot change money with sex.the only i need is love!

  so sorry.i donot love him at all!

what should i do?

   when i were in the mood.then.Hu came into my life again!still so handsome.still so soft.i almost had the wrong feeling again..but.i know.all thing had change! when i go into office.i want to meet him.but.i am afraid to meet him too.i donot know how to face him.my heart is so painful....

that morning .power was cut.nothing to do without power.today.almost all thing need to do in computer.i donot know ,if without computer.how the societ will work! i sit in front of window.stared at the tree .there were some bird singing on the brance.so freedom! i felt so sad: if i were a bird.life will be different? i didnot.just tear pour out.at that time.i heard a voice :what are you doing here? oh.it was him! my heart was strike .cannot see his eyes."oh."i said: just feel something in my eyes.bad feeling! he smiled.then.go out.i felt so weak.can i let the feeling continue? no! i cannot! i should try to change.forget him again.anyways.he isnot the guy i need.he isnot the guy i should to love.right.it is true.i heard much thing about him.know him more.then.i feel that he isnot the guy i want again.maybe.today.i still cannot forget him.just because i never have him? yes.maybe.it is! sometimes.i feel i am self and proud.chinese said: just that you never can have is the best.maybe.just because of that?

   maybe.if i can meet more .i will forget him? maybe.i should try? ok.i will try all way to forget him.so.when power was came.i applied a ID in msn.and went to chatroom on net .ha.ha.that is a good way.at less.all the day.i didnot think of him again!
   it works! these days.i almost forget him at all! it doesnot mean that it is how fun on net.just i put my heart into another thing.so i think about him less.but i found .on net.these guys are so boring.something.they are for sex.sometimes.they are for AD.boring so much.and.there are some for love too.but.can you believe? they just want a lover! hard to say.as a chinese.maybe.it is normal? chinese men always think so .once they are rich.so they want more woman.i hate that very much!
   sometimes.when i read some bbs on net. found that woman and man blame each other .so funny.woman think chinese man is very androcentrism. and chinese man think chinese woman just like to marry to over sea.hard to say who is right.but i know.that is true.when you marry a man.in difficulty.maybe.you can do well in family.but.once the man to be rich.then.he changes.forget all love.and wants more woman..i never think foreigner will be better for that.maybe.just different culture.but i never want to forgive that because of that.

my marriage

    at the workstation.i met the guy who is my husband right now.he is handsome too.but.he isnot from university.in fact.he just gratuated from midschool.because his father died of work when he was 14 years old.so for that.he had to work for family.but.he was a active guy.so optimistic with life.i liked him.in fact.nobody didnot like him.he always was so glad to help every one.i didnot know if it was love or like.well.i would like to believe i love him.
   at that time.there was another girl loved him.that was a nice girl.soft and kind..one night.he showed me a letter that the girl sent to him.in the letter.the girl told him:she loved him so much.she cannot life again without him.ha.ha.i laughed to him: well.ok.if she couldnot life without you.then.you should marry her.but he didnot say a word.just hug me.i were so sorry for the girl.after many years we married .i still dreamed her.in the dream.she still was so beautiful.i know.i hurt her..but.what can i do? i promised.if i can.i would like to be her best friend.to care for her all my life.but..from that.i never met her again.i donot know how about her life.just heard.she married another guy.i wish she can be happy all her life!
    after one year.we have a lovely boy.it was so hard years ,i mean.to raise a kid in china.so hard.but.he grew up.now.go into midschool.i am so gald when i think of him.i love him with all my life.i promised that i never do any thing to hurt him.i thought i should enjoyed my life.yes.i did.through that husband donot often stay at home.for his work.but i know.he loves the family.i should satisfy with all.but.a thing makes i change.
    about 2000 year.i was checked out that i were ill,i needed a surgery.when i stayed at hospital .my husband were there to take care of me.but.i found.he was so angry with me.never patient to me ,it seems that it was my wrong.he complained to me again and again.when i asked him something.he always shouted at me.i felt so disappointed with him.maybe.he loved me.but just take me as a nice toy.should enjoy him.once i couldnot.he was so angry.i just wanted a guy who we can walk together in all our life,a guy who can help each other when we are in difficulty.but..he is? from that.i doubted ..
   after the surgery .i told him: i would never ask him to do something for me .even i will die.i still will try my best to help myself.never need him to help me.he said sorry to me.but.for me.it seems  a broken vase.never can be nice again.i still will life with him.just for my kid.but never love again.
i were so pain for that.some night.when i waked up from dream.i took a knife on my wrist.i thought.didnot know what feeling will be if i cut my wrist? but.have to say.die is too hard to me.i cannot.i want.but i cannot.i have a kid.i cannot hurt him.and it is my choice to marry him.how can i complain the fate? maybe.that is my fate?