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Passion versus 2nd Ambition

A Shattered Family Tree

A New Beginning

Torn Between 2 worlds

Mirror Reflection

Adapting to Downfall

Failures towards Sucess

Self-Healing

Beliefs

Momento mori

Rollercoaster Ride

Sense of Intuitions

Politics in High School

Best Friend + Boyfriend

Duo Personality

All Posts by themystic1
 



themystic1 Blog

By themystic1(189)
About themystic1(189)


Passion versus 2nd Ambition

Posted Monday, May 05, 2008 (28 days 2 hours ago.)

Wonder why is my faith fated the way that I have to go through the hustle in my further education.
After my years through high school,I've work hard and do all it takes just to achieve my passion to pursue a degree in dance and a scholarhip to study abroad to become a backdrop dancer cum choreograrapher.And finally I made it gettting a scholarhip from Exeter University in UK but I rejected it cause I was mentally not ready to take up the challenge leaving far away from home alone.I've also rejected my offer from Unitec University in NZ instead chosen to go for WAAPA in ECU which produces international stars and widely recognise.
Sadly,never knew how the hell of my enrolement there were screwed up and I had to make a major yet immediate decision to continue studies in perth, WA or to scrap it and apply for 2nd choice of the same course in SG.
After gone through much thinking,finally decided to take off from WA and fly back homeland for good and applied to SG.
Now once back homeland,its always nice to be saying home sweet home but home now no longer feels home when I'm in a in between scenario.....Not here yet not there....Feeling pretty awkward being stuck whereby to see your own pals happily starting their uni life and me have started earlier but got discontinued wif friends and studies to start a new.Just felt fustrating and devastating.
 
For the time being in this out of my control scene,I felt it has stirred my faith in everything I do.It started to make me loose my faith,my spirit and just feel like there;s no hope anymore.My passion has indeed drifted in the period of time I waited which is only lest than a month I felt totally restless.
And this has shake my decisions and mental thoughts creates lots of questions and equation for myself to answer but is tough to make another major step which consequences is huge.The tempatation to give up is getting stronger as I don't receive any news upon what I applied to SG but yet there is a confused feelings whether If I were to pursue  my passion what about earning well next time to support myself upon graduation.The issue of the 2nd ambition growing stronger due to the stir of my confusion whereby to forget about my passion as an ambition instead pursue my 2nd ambition which is in Human Resourse Management or in Hospitality and become a stewardess after graduation as a start for experience purposes later on venture into other service line.
 
Praying for the battle to end so that I could have a piece of mind whereby things goes smooth sailing once again.

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A Shattered Family Tree

Posted Monday, May 05, 2008 (28 days 3 hours ago.)

Can we imagine a tree without branches? Roots? Leaves? Bark? No of course not.God created every single thing on earth to be wholistic if not there surely be a speciality in each to tap on as he created everything equally for al kinds.So If a tree is created that way,why we humans spoil it or create havoc to it.Can't we human just leave it alone to bloom and groom to its best?

The life of a tree is just as important to out relationship between each other members or the family and relatives,the bonding and understanding cultivated.
Where have the most powerful thing on earth LOVE god gave us and show us how to use it in daily lives have gone?? Why can't everyone these days just give and take and love everyone put no judgements on each other??
 
World of pretending in acceptance to practice the word love is just so fake and causes all unforseen problems to families and relatives but yet everyone does that just to please all parties cause everyone just playing ignorant no inviting any feedbacks but call those critics that rule and spoils relationships.
 
The world has become so materialistic till the point love have become commersiallise instead its beauty of emotions and spiritual site has lost its colour to it.The powerful weapon of god creation has just become more meaningless as the world evolved to materialism.
 
To every obstacle occured there's always a solution.To every action,there is a reaction.But why us humans can't walk the talk of living a healthy life and having a loving and caring family? Instead the statistics of broken up family is just reaching sky high..What happened to us human?? 

 


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Self-Healing


Health really matters

Accumulative effects after 8 months,it's like a robot without maintainance had break down but thank god I just had a flat battery.This had made me realise that as to lead anything I consume lots of energy.Where now I find myself really hopeless in anything as after my energy had drained.Even to speak and walk I just give up at times.I really felt as if I were dead instead of alive being a useless breed lying on bead,couldn't have the strength to sit up straight,feels strainess in eyes when I want to even focus at the blackboard,can't cope with conversation or teachings going on,speechless with friends then felt left out again. 

Physically I hope those flower pills and mineral I'm drinking in the water and the spray for my head oh gosh it really suck but no choice restore my energy.What more after warded out from hospital,taking pills which makes me worse instead of being better but at least the medicated pump help me in breathing better just for a moment.Finally back to traditional medical way,taking herbs to restore and regain energy I've lost through burnt out physically and mentally.Spa and massages helps to gain my QI as is blocked.Felt better as not so tense for moment.Going for reflexology found out it was great as never knew through feets could see your internal system whereby I couldn't hide away what illness I'm facing towards the 'guru' but thanks to it it really turns my system upside down the next day maybe clearing no idea.What the hell one after another,didn't knew emotional stressors could cause a big havoc in my internal system.

Why must it takes me into one another.What's the major factor in me which disturb me internally the kidney?stomach? although I know it's also self created stressors and emotional break downs.Regreted being in the pass,as I take a risk on my on health a big mistake.Couldn't reverse it but just to go on and face the stressors be daring to say NO to it.


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Beliefs


Not my Cup of Tea

Going through up's and down's till this stage was pretty amazing reaching upon eternity.Beliefs in whatever religion is usual being followed from generations to generations in the nom as culturally in our country people still abide to the customs whereby some had given no choice to just follow.Being a Buddhist oh well also carried down by generations although relatives diverts their beliefs.Every religious beliefs is just pure guidance to a better life and well being but humans as distort it for their own benefits such as greed which create cults that distorts the way of pureness.

It's great living in a multi-racial environment mixing and knowing the different beliefs in each religion but not the way of getting influenced to follow people's belief than making my own decision.Praying so called god but to me it's taking good care of spirits cause having fear that they harm.It is because you'll ancestors has done so much which guilt kills and praying like hell doesn't work and don't expect me to like the way it is distortion of Taoism.What comes around always goes around.Going to temples to pray whereby being hypocrite because I don't believe in it wholeheartedly really makes me feel just not right.Attending churches for services is fine,but not hearing the way where Jesus is the only savior.

Stop it guys it's enough...telling great about your belief is fine but not telling bad about others beliefs.People have choices whereby choices have their own consequences.Influencing me you got to go no where just leave me alone a guide towards choosing my beliefs is enough.I have my own thoughts and beliefs,I make my decision I make my choice.What more don't try influencing me with all this when I'm down.It's not taking me anywhere if you do that too.I always knows that no matter how many cults there are or religion there is only a GOD and the greatess of all.Although my beliefs are still not as strong to heal myself from whatever dilemma I'm in but that is just what I wanted to belief.I don't want to be bothered about this as I had enough now with other issues.


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Momento mori


Memories which haunts

The pass of everything has faded and each had left behind with memories.It's nice having such memories when I reflect or pen  down my thoughts which having it recalled.Never thought sweet memories turns into a disaster where it gets into the dreams of mine and it haunts me.The memories which really haunted me was after the day I walk off my own way as the way LB did and didn't knew I shattered badly cause I filled him in my hollowness throughout the time I needed him so much.Apart from the sweet memories the reminder of death and human failure had haunted me too which is going on and on.When can it stop,I don't want to be in this hell situation.

Snoozing off is damn tough everynight,trying to ignore thoughts that flow through my mind by getting myself to focus on deep breathing to medititation.Gosh hardly could do it everynight smoothly till I snooze off,what more lost focus and get distracted can't keep my mind onto 1 thing and just go pop wondering as it is.As the times I could sleep is always between mid-night and morning veil.That's fine as I've learn to cope on how to sleep with a clear and peaceful mind.When the time I couldn't sleep,being disturbed by dreams and hardly could even have a real sleep through the night I felt damn guilty lying and lying to my mom when she asked "Have you had a good night sleep?" I said ya.I'm just lying not telling the truth again couldn't have the chick to say that I'm actually in deep shit because I know it's being weeks taken care of me hoping I get better physically and mentally.Just never want to make her wish shattered once again.What's gone wrong with me!!Sleep with peace is what I wanted after having a hard time to sleep especially this year onwards.Sometimes I felt like sleep and rest till peace than sleep with peace.

The reminder of death which the only dream I had years ago as never had dreams cause I usually could sleep well which left a traumatic stituation in me comes alive whereby I tried ignoring the fear in the situation being kidnapped and thrown from a sky scrapper till I smell the air of death on the way down to death.The disgusting scenes with as the 1st persons view had left me a trauma.The dreams has become often which it spoils my day.Never knew whether have a soul have travelled and left the being for moments an had encounter such situation.

Sweet memories that added on to my momento mori and haunt me more and it makes my mood goes bazaar,uncontrolled at times and what more it disturb my decisions I've made.Being with him,things was sweet at first but the worse could come out great too by risking chances to mend obstacles up.Yet now when the day I made my decision that It's not the time for a relationship after the split and get on trying to move on those sweet time together turns into disaster how should I gain him back,the times when I can,what must I do and learnt that love is without boundaries where care is given without asking any in return.And when all this comes to haunt me it really turns my day down it's totally solemn and affected me emotionally once again.I wanted to be myself again which I felt I'm ready to move on without him but this memories and momento mori had strike me.I still kept on  trying hard to just leave those memories and let it fade but I couldn't at times it's already being part of me cause of the non-ordinary certain things which I couldn't find in most friends I hoping their that.How could I start a new beggining without him if it keeps haunting me???The fresh air is just refreshing and it lying ahead of me waiting for me to be there.How could I not take the chance??As to battle for life  at times it's really worth it but just felt to just rest in peace although there's apart of me shouting at me that's not you!!Torn between 2.

 


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